Recognizing Grief in Children of All Ages

The 2025 Los Angeles wildfires devastated over 57,000 acres, destroyed thousands of homes, and forced mass evacuations, leaving many residents with ongoing health and emotional challenges. Recovery relief workers like you have played a crucial role not only in aiding communities but also in supporting children affected by loss, helping them feel safe and understood during recovery. As you continue this important work, it’s vital to recognize grief responses in your own children of different ages, so you can support your family’s emotional well-being while helping others heal. Here are some helpful indicators and tips to understand how your child may be grieving at different ages.

Ages 3 and under 

• Understanding of Death: Very young children, including babies, experience grief as a sense of loss but do not understand the concept or cause of loss. They lack the words to express their feelings and respond mainly to changes in their environment, such as the absence of a significant person or emotional shifts in their caregivers. Even without understanding, they sense the emotional atmosphere and may not remember the person or situation that caused the loss.
• Grief Behaviors 

• • • Clingy behavior.
    • Inconsolable crying.
    • Disrupted feeding and sleeping routines, leading to being unsettled.
    • Irritability and temper tantrums.
    • Reduced affection towards caregivers or rejecting their environment.
    • Slow or hyperactive movement, or staring off with a dazed expression.
    • General anxiety

• Ways to help 

• • Babies and young children need their grief acknowledged and their distress comforted. Providing lots of comfort and reassurance, and keeping to normal routines as much as possible, is helpful. Non-verbal care like hugs and rocking is beneficial, along with a stable routine. Creating a comfortable, safe, and predictable environment and consistent schedules for sleeping and eating is important. 

Ages 3 to 5 

• Understanding of Death: Young children may talk about loss but often don’t understand that it’s permanent. They may see it as temporary and ask when the person or thing will return. Because they take language literally, avoid vague phrases like “gone away” or “lost,” which can cause confusion. Clear, simple explanations and reassurance help them make sense of what’s happened. Some begin to realize that loss can happen to anyone. Their grief may come in brief waves, interspersed with play. They might form new attachments or, due to magical thinking, mistakenly believe they caused the loss, leading to guilt or shame.
• Grief Behaviors 

• • • Increased separation anxiety, even with familiar adults
    • Changes in sleep, appetite, or reduced interest in play
    • Regression in skills like language, toileting, or self-soothing behaviors
    • Fear of the dark or anxiety at bedtime
    • Sadness or disappointment when the person doesn’t return
    • Repetitive questions trying to understand the loss
    • Clinginess, stubbornness, impulsivity, or temper tantrums
    • Risky behaviors or becoming quieter
    • Intense sadness or difficulty being comforted
    • Frequent headaches or stomachaches
    • Aggression and resistance to rules

• Ways to help 

• • When supporting a young child through loss, use clear, simple language and avoid confusing euphemisms. Be honest in your answers, tailoring information to their age and gradually adding more as they grow. Consistent routines help create a sense of safety and stability. Set gentle boundaries, but remain flexible and responsive to their needs. Offer comfort through physical closeness and emotional support, and provide outlets for expression through play, art, music, or movement. Whenever possible, give them choices to foster a sense of control. Most importantly, reassure them that they are safe, loved, and that all their feelings are okay.

Ages 5-12 

• Understanding of Death: Between ages five and nine, children begin to understand that loss is permanent and happens to everyone. They may revisit earlier losses with new awareness and ask detailed or practical questions. Their concrete thinking and imagination can lead them to wrongly believe they caused the loss, resulting in guilt or behavior changes. Without clear, age-appropriate information, they may fill in gaps with their own ideas. They may fear future loss, worry about who will care for them, and identify closely with the person or thing they lost.

• Grief Behaviors

• • • Grief may come in waves with intense emotions followed by periods of normal behavior 
    • Fears about safety and abandonment, feeling that the world is no longer safe
    • Disrupted sleep, changes in appetite, and nightmares
    • Physical complaints such as stomachaches, headaches, or general body pain
    • Regressive behaviors like bedwetting, clinginess, or needing help with tasks they had mastered
    • Behavioral changes including irritability, tantrums, aggression, hyperactivity, or withdrawal
    • May become overly helpful or take on caregiving roles for adults or siblings
    • Difficulty concentrating or focusing, often leading to school challenges
    • Withdrawal from social situations or reduced interest in peers
    • Intrusive thoughts and increased alertness or hypervigilance
    • Reenacting or processing the loss through play or storytelling
    • A wide range of emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, fear, relief, or thoughts of revenge
    • Increased anxiety about their own or others’ health and safety
    • Exaggerated fears, school refusal, or possessive behavior
    • Upset by changes in routine or disruptions to daily life
    • May blame themselves or others for the loss, with possible denial or magical thinking

• Ways to help

• Use clear, honest language to explain the loss, avoiding vague terms. Expect and patiently answer repeated questions. Encourage creative and active play, and give children space to talk and ask questions. Offer plenty of comfort, physical closeness, and choices. Keep routines and boundaries but stay flexible to their needs. Help restore a sense of safety and predictability. Model healthy emotional expression and self-care. Listen carefully without rushing to give advice or dismiss feelings. Coordinate with teachers for extra support if needed. Reassure children with messages of safety and belonging. Provide various ways to express feelings, like art, writing, or movement. Help them identify supportive people and activities. Encourage keeping mementos and participating in memorials. For feelings of guilt or shame, support time with others who share similar experiences. 

Ages 13-18

• Understanding of Death: Teenagers have an adult understanding of loss, recognizing it as permanent, irreversible, and inevitable. Despite this, they may still experience unspoken magical thoughts, such as believing the person is on a long trip or will return. Adolescence is a time of significant change, and grief can impact their developmental process of moving from dependence to independence. They may find it difficult to seek support while trying to show self-reliance. Teenagers often explore deep questions about the meaning of life, death, and traumatic events, frequently reflecting on and questioning their religious and philosophical beliefs. They may also experience anxiety or worry about their own mortality.

• Grief Behaviors

• • • Withdrawal from family and increased focus on peers
    • Increased risk-taking, such as substance use, unsafe behaviors, or reckless actions
    • Difficulty concentrating or, alternatively, pushing themselves to be perfect
    • Sleep problems, exhaustion, and changes in appetite
    • Intense, unpredictable emotions like anger, sadness, guilt, relief, and anxiety; discomfort discussing the loss with caregivers
    • Worries about personal and others’ safety, fear of death or violence recurring
    • Confusion about family roles and attempts to take on caregiving responsibilities
    • Thoughts of suicide or self-harm
    • Heightened sensitivity to noise, movement, and light (hypervigilance)
    • Apathy, withdrawal, and rejection of help, with a “what’s the point?” attitude toward school or life
    • A very hectic social life can be a distraction from grief, but feelings may re-emerge suddenly
    • Aggression, defiance, delinquent acts, possessiveness, somatic complaints, phobias

• Ways to help
  Reassure teens of their safety even if they don’t voice concerns. Maintain routines and clear expectations but stay flexible. Encourage them to express feelings without trying to fix them. Answer questions honestly and offer choices. Adjust expectations for focus and tasks. Help connect them with trusted adults, peers, or support groups. Model healthy grief and self-care. Listen openly without judgment or advice. Be patient with their reactions and questions. Seek professional help if there are signs of self-harm or suicidal thoughts. Keep consistent behavior boundaries and encourage independence. Support creative and physical outlets like art, music, sports, or journaling. Allow keeping mementos and participation in memorials. Parental openness about feelings and guidance in managing emotions is important.

Ages 18-20

• Understanding of Death:

• • • Young adults understand that death is permanent, and the loss of someone significant can have a deep, lasting impact. As they continue developing social, emotional, and coping skills, they may be especially vulnerable while processing grief.

• Grief Behaviors:

• • • Avoidance and isolation.
    • Risk-taking behavior.
    • Depression or anxiety, stress.
    • Unexpected sadness (crying), and a range of feelings including frustration, shock, relief, guilt, and/or anger.
    • Physical symptoms such as aches and pains, tight chest, loss of appetite, and exhaustion.
    • Fracturing in personal identity development.

• Ways to help:

• • Reinforce safety and love, and support staying connected if apart. Adjust family roles and expectations as needed. Encourage open talks about changing relationships and model healthy grieving. Watch for risky behaviors and reset boundaries. Promote creative and physical activities. Allow keeping mementos and joining memorials. Listen without judgment and share your feelings to encourage conversation. Support connecting with others who understand, and seek professional help if needed.