Following the devastating LA wildfires of early 2025, the city launched a large-scale reconstruction effort supported by disaster relief workers who have played a vital role in debris removal, environmental safety assessments, emergency shelter operations, and coordinating recovery resources for displaced residents. As disaster relief workers, your tireless work has laid the foundation for community-driven rebuilding initiatives focused on long-term safety, resilience, and healing, reminding us that just as cities rebuild after a crisis, we too can begin repairing the areas of our lives that need restoration. Working in disaster relief often means long deployments, emotional exhaustion, and limited time or energy for your personal life. Many in this field find themselves struggling to maintain connection with their partners, even when the love is still there.
- Do you feel like you’re arguing about the same things, over and over?
Do you experience distance in your relationship, especially during or after deployments? - Are you yearning to understand your partner better and to feel understood yourself?
The Infinity Loop, developed by Scott Woolley, PhD, is a tool within Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). It helps couples identify and share the negative patterns that fuel conflict and disconnection, often without even realizing it. The infinity loop helps partners:
- Recognize recurring emotional triggers and behaviors.
- Express what’s happening beneath the surface.
- Gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their partner.
- Create more effective, compassionate communication.
Use the following steps to identify your personal side of the negative cycle. Then, share it with your partner (when ready) to begin building understanding and healing together.
Step A: “I yearn for this…”
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- What are you truly needing from your partner at this moment — emotionally?
- Reflection Questions:
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- When I’m exhausted from the field, what emotional support do I crave?
- Do I long for reassurance that we’re still connected?
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- Am I needing understanding, appreciation, or affection?
- Example: “I yearn to feel like I still matter at home even when I’m away. I want to know that my partner sees my effort and still values me.”
Step B: “I feel… when what I yearn for does not happen.”
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- What feeling shows up when that need goes unmet?
- Reflection Questions:
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- What emotion do I feel when I’m not getting the connection or appreciation I long for?
- Is it loneliness? Guilt? Abandonment?
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- Example: “I feel hurt and alone when I call and you’re short with me, or when I get home and it feels like I was never missed.”
Step C: “When my vulnerable feelings are too difficult, I show… instead.”
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- How do you act when it’s too hard to show that deeper feeling?
- Reflection Questions:
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- Do I withdraw? Get irritable? Become overly critical or shut down?
- How might my actions protect me but confuse or push away my partner?
- Example: “I get cold and impatient. I act like I don’t care because it’s easier than feeling rejected or like I’ve failed you.”
Step D: “What I think about me then is…”
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- What story do you tell yourself about yourself in that moment?
- Reflection Questions:
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- Do I feel like I’m never enough — at work or at home?
- Do I think I’m failing as a partner, parent, or provider?
- Example: “I tell myself that I can save others, but I can’t hold my own relationship together — so maybe I’m not worth the effort.”
Step E: “What I think about you then is…”
- What are you assuming or fearing about your partner?
- Reflection Questions:
- Do I assume they don’t understand my work?
- Do I feel like they’ve given up on trying to support me?
- Example: “I think you don’t really get what I go through and maybe you don’t care enough to try anymore.”
Step F: “Then, what I do to take care of myself is… which triggers my partner.”
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- How do you try to protect yourself — and how might that trigger your partner’s own loop?
- Reflection Questions:
- Do I emotionally check out? Numb out with work? Pick fights?
- What do I do that unintentionally pushes my partner away?
- Example
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- “I bury myself in work or training, avoid hard conversations, or come home late — which makes you feel more abandoned.”
Step G: Sharing our Infinity Loop with Others
- “I yearn to feel connected and missed when I’m gone. When that doesn’t happen, I feel unseen and unimportant. It’s hard to sit with those feelings, so I get defensive or shut down. I start to think I’m never going to get it right at home. I assume you’ve stopped caring or that you’re happier when I’m away. So I keep things surface-level or avoid coming home too soon — and that just makes you more upset with me.”
Tips for Relief Workers Using the Infinity Loop
- Normalize the Impact of Your Work: Disaster work is physically and emotionally demanding. Give yourself grace — and explain to your partner how this affects your emotional availability.
- Use Calm Moments to Share: Don’t try to share your Infinity Loop during an argument or when you’re exhausted. Set aside 20–30 minutes during a calm window, maybe during downtime after a deployment.
- Focus on Vulnerability, Not Blame: The Loop helps you share how you feel, not what your partner did wrong. That shift can lower defensiveness and invite connection.
- Be Curious About Your Partner’s Loop: Ask: “What do you yearn for from me when I’m gone? What hurts you when I act distant?” Listen without fixing or defending.
- Reconnect Through Shared Understanding: When both partners identify their side of the cycle, they can step out of the pattern and back into a stronger, more empathetic connection.
Your work in disaster relief matters deeply, but so does the life you return to when the mission ends. The Infinity Loop is not about fixing your partner. It’s about understanding your own emotional patterns, inviting your partner into that process, and creating a safer, more connected relationship, even in the midst of chaos.
References
Kokoszka, E. (2025, March 22). Infinity loop: Identifying negative cycles in your relationship. Mindsoother Therapy. Retrieved August 29, 2025, from https://www.mindsoother.com/blog/infinity-loop-identifying-negative-cycles-in-your-relationship