Stephen Thompson, MA, CCWS, CHRS, EdD(c)
Director of Global Programs & Impact
Introduction: Helping Others When You’re Hurting Too
In the aftermath of a wildfire, many community members step up to help: counselors, volunteers, teachers, faith leaders, shelter staff, and neighbors. Often, those doing the supporting are also grieving their own losses, navigating uncertainty, or recovering from the same traumatic events.
If this is your experience, you are not alone. Being both a helper and a survivor can be exhausting and confusing. You may feel pressure to stay strong or push your emotions aside to be there for others. But the truth is, your well-being matters too. This article is here to help you support others in meaningful ways while also honoring your own healing.
Why This Is So Hard
When you are impacted by the same crisis as those you are helping, it can lead to what psychologists call shared trauma or parallel process. This happens when your own stress, grief, or fear is triggered while you are trying to care for someone else.
You may notice:
- Feeling numb or emotionally drained after helping others
- Difficulty sleeping or focusing
- Guilt for needing help while also providing support
- Feeling overwhelmed, short-tempered, or disconnected
- Neglecting your own needs to focus on others
These are normal responses. They do not mean you are unqualified or failing. They are signals that you need support too.
What You Can Do: Practical Strategies
Here are ways to show up for others without forgetting yourself in the process.
- Start with Self-Awareness
Check-in with yourself before offering help. Ask:
- What am I feeling right now?
- Do I have the energy to be present for someone else?
- What do I need before or after I do this?
Even one minute of awareness can help you avoid emotional overload.
- Set Boundaries That Support Sustainability
You cannot be everything to everyone, especially when you are affected too.
- Give yourself permission to say no or delay a conversation.
- Let others know your limits kindly: “I want to support you, but I may need to pause if I get overwhelmed.”
Boundaries are not barriers. They are the bridges that keep connection strong.
- Ground Yourself Before and After Emotional Conversations
When supporting someone who is grieving or distressed:
- Take three deep breaths before you begin
- Plant your feet firmly on the ground
- Keep a small object nearby, like a smooth stone or bracelet, to anchor your attention if emotions run high
Afterward, take a short walk, splash cold water on your face, or call someone you trust.
- Focus on Presence, Not Solutions
You do not need to fix the pain. Being with someone and listening with care is enough. Try saying:
- “That sounds really heavy. Thank you for trusting me with it.”
- “I don’t have all the answers, but I’m here with you.”
Simple presence can be more powerful than perfect words.
- Create Micro-Moments of Care for Yourself
Your healing matters. Build in small moments throughout the day:
- A warm drink before bed
- Listening to a calming song in the car
- Writing down one thing that brought you relief today
Healing happens in minutes, not just hours.
Reminders for the Journey
- You are allowed to feel and still help. Emotions do not disqualify you from caring.
- You are not alone. Many helpers are holding their own grief while serving others.
- You deserve support too. Reach out to peers, mentors, or professionals when needed.
Conclusion: You’re Doing Sacred Work
Supporting others while healing yourself is some of the hardest, bravest work there is. It requires courage, honesty, and care, both for others and for yourself. By taking small steps to protect your own well-being, you strengthen your ability to serve others from a grounded, compassionate place.
You do not have to carry it all alone. Helping others is meaningful, but so is letting yourself be helped.